Sometimes I think that maybe my life is a testimony--a testimony to why Proverbs tells us to "guard our hearts." My heart, full of now-imperfect seams and repaired cracks, continues to break at things I never believed I could experience in my short 21 years on this earth.
I am not one to complain, or to boast my pain. I'm also not one to revel in it, nor have I figured out Paul's joy in suffering.
But I know this sadness through my actions, through my decisions, and through His plan. I do believe that this course my life has taken has had its sinful consequences. But looking back, I cannot always see where my own self led me astray--aside from the fact that it was me doing the leading.
The worst part of all of it? We do not always understand. We have this knowledge, this information, right in front of us. We study it, we thirst for it, we devour His every word. And yet we cannot put this knowledge into practical understanding.
Maybe we aren't meant to understand it just yet.
"Maybe God puts us through hell so we'll long for heaven. Maybe all this pain points somewhere--to our own frailty in facing in, to our need for help, to our longing for a world where everything's made right."
Maybe our hearts were meant to break.
Maybe our lives, our intertwined, sorrowful lives were made that way so that we could experience joy.
If I understand at least this, then I can use my time searching and trusting. I can learn as much as possible. I can suffer, but not be drowned by my sorrows. I can follow where I would rather not go.
If I believe in this, I can have His hope. And that, His hope and bright perfection, is like the sun bursting forth into all of the ugly, tar-like blackness of myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment