ain't no fairytale.

I am a very closed person. I will admit this from the get-go. I do not talk about my close-and-personal issues with very many people.

And with this I begin: I am sharing about my wonderful almost 4-year relationship with my best friend, my soon-to-be husband. I get a lot of "you and Josh are such a cute couple" and "we always knew you would get married, it's so perfect." Thank you for the compliments. I appreciate them.

But I just want to throw a disclaimer out there: Josh and I's relationship is far from perfect. We had and still currently have issues. To tie in with my previous disclosures about my general unwillingness to share all of my problems with a multitude of persons, you understand my point here.

As I have grown with Josh in my relationship and in our relationship together with Christ, I have realized something huge (and this is especially for the females reading this):

LOVE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE.
LOVE WILL NEVER BE A PICTURE-PERFECT STORY.

You will do well in your future relationships to latch onto this concept from the get-go. Love and romance is not like it is played out in the movies--I believe we all understand this, and yet part of us still wants this to be true.

There was a time of great trial in my relationship. As much as I wanted us to work through it, there was so much pain and distrust spearing through our hearts and blinding our vision. I honestly wondered many times whether we would survive.

I remember praying earnestly, begging God to take away the pain from me. Crying out that I was in love with a man who was hurting me; I was desperately in love with someone who was screwing with what was supposed to be my fairytale.

So many discussions spurred out of this tribulation. While neither said it, both of us were praying for the answer we needed most--continue on this path together, or separate and part ways?

It's obvious what was the right choice for us. Here is the kicker, however.

My relationship is just as it should be.

It isn't and can never be perfect. But I wouldn't change any of it--not even the parts that hurt the most.

For me, that tribulation has brought more healing than anything else in my life. This man that I am marrying, the one who has brought joy and pain in great multitudes, has been exactly what I needed to deal with past unfinished issues. Together we have held each other and pushed each other and forced each other to face everything we needed to.

God knew this all along. He knew what I needed, whether I knew or not.

And He knows that NONE of us actually need a fairytale. We don't need the perfect romance. We don't need a movie love-story.

He will provide what you need, when you need it--so don't allow yourself to be blindsided by your own opinions.

psalm 111

"Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
Great are the works of the Lord,
studied by all who delight in them.
Full of splendor and majesty is his work,
and his righteousness endures forever.

He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered; The Lord is gracious and merciful.
He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever.
He has shown his people the power of his works,
in giving them the inheritance of the nations.

The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy; the are established forever and ever,
to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.

He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant forever.
Holy and awesome is His name!

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding.

HIS PRAISE ENDURES FOREVER."

to the only god.

my life was made with the purpose of glorification.
glorification not of myself,
or my deeds
or my possessions
glorification not of my success or failures.

glorification only of my Maker.

...the reason for everything.

Sometimes I think that maybe my life is a testimony--a testimony to why Proverbs tells us to "guard our hearts." My heart, full of now-imperfect seams and repaired cracks, continues to break at things I never believed I could experience in my short 21 years on this earth.

I am not one to complain, or to boast my pain. I'm also not one to revel in it, nor have I figured out Paul's joy in suffering.

But I know this sadness through my actions, through my decisions, and through His plan. I do believe that this course my life has taken has had its sinful consequences. But looking back, I cannot always see where my own self led me astray--aside from the fact that it was me doing the leading.

The worst part of all of it? We do not always understand. We have this knowledge, this information, right in front of us. We study it, we thirst for it, we devour His every word. And yet we cannot put this knowledge into practical understanding.

Maybe we aren't meant to understand it just yet.

"Maybe God puts us through hell so we'll long for heaven. Maybe all this pain points somewhere--to our own frailty in facing in, to our need for help, to our longing for a world where everything's made right."
Maybe our hearts were meant to break.
Maybe our lives, our intertwined, sorrowful lives were made that way so that we could experience joy.

If I understand at least this, then I can use my time searching and trusting. I can learn as much as possible. I can suffer, but not be drowned by my sorrows. I can follow where I would rather not go.

If I believe in this, I can have His hope. And that, His hope and bright perfection, is like the sun bursting forth into all of the ugly, tar-like blackness of myself.

another threshold to cross.

Honestly, this past year and a half has been a whirlwind of opportunity and changes in my life. I hardly know where to pinpoint the beginning of this hurricane, and I am not quite sure I am willing to try.

Not only did I switch schools, churches, jobs (multiple times), homes, and relationship status, I also changed my "life plan." [Because I actually have my life planned... haha.]

So, here it is. My new life plan: be prepared to go where He leads. Simply enough, I have always desired to glorify God with my life. Perhaps I have felt my heart softening towards His voice, or perhaps I have grown enough to understand some of what He wants for me as he lays it out... I could not say.

And here I am again. I am waiting to hear His voice. I am standing at the threshold of what may or may not be an open door in a huge way.

There are so many factors involved in this equation. There are so many ways my life could drastically change. There are so many ways that my future life with my husband-to-be will be affected. Knowing all of this makes my head reel and my heart pound.

But I know that there is one deciding factor above all else: His will.

girl in red lipstick.

this happens to be me :)

Marshmallow Milkshakes

2 pints low-fat dark chocolate ice cream
10 berry marshmallows, divided
1 cup low-fat strawberry yogurt

Melt half of marshmallows in microwaveable bowl until you can stir into a creamy mixture. Add into blender or milkshake maker along with ice cream and yogurt.

Blend to preferred consistency.

Add in rest of cubed marshmallows and stir.

Makes 2 milkshakes.
(Recipe by Abigail Learnard and her beau!)